The Blade and The Beautiful
by kamorgana
Summary: The Kenshin-Gumi stars in a very,very silly soap-opera! My first attempt at parody...


Disclaimer: I don't own Rurouni Kenshin, or any soap opera! Just borrowed for fun.  
  
*** : new scene.  
  
**thoughts**  
  
The Blade and the Beautiful  
  
Today on the Blade and the Beautiful: The so long awaited wedding between Kenshin Himura, CO of Himura Soap&Laundry International, and his soul mate and true love, Kaoru Kamiya, is finally to take place; while his archenemy, the megalomaniac tycoon Shishio Makoto, prepares his revenge. Kaoru has to reveal a secret that can postpone or cancel the ceremony for the 9th time in two years, but is it the biggest threat to their happiness? And will Misao let Aoshi turn to Megumi, after they broke up at the stunning discovery that they are half-siblings? Is there still hope for the "cutest couple of soap history"?  
  
***  
  
(Kunitori Enterprises, Shishio's office, at night.)  
  
"Oh, Shishio-sama, what an evil plan!" purrs Yumi Komagata.  
  
She comes to sit onto his lap, caressing his hair.  
  
" Yes, this time I'll have my revenge on Himura....HAHAHA ! "  
  
" I'm so glad I could help you, Shishio-sama !"  
  
"Seduce that moron and get the secret formula of Himura's whiter than white cleaning soap so I can ruin his company, like he ruined mine years ago....I couldn't have done it without you, Yumi."  
  
"I'll even die for you, Shishio-sama !"  
  
" I won't forget these words...."  
  
They start to kiss when a young man enters the office.  
  
" Ara ? Oh, I'm so sorry to interrupt! I'm confused.. Yumi-san? I didn't think you were still here. Weren't you in terminal phase of a rare and unknown disease and decided to redeem by entering a convent?"  
  
" I've been healed by an indian chamane and realized nuns can't have sex. Do I know you? "  
  
"Yes, who are you?" snaps Shishio.  
  
" Ara? Father, it's me, Soujiro !"  
  
" I have a son named Soujiro with my ex-wife but he was 10 years old a few months ago. You're what? 18?"  
  
" You sent me to a boarding school abroad, like all the other parents of the city do! You know we all get that cool rapid aging disease, so we can have love affairs sooner! But Father, YOU have a different face too! And you had blue eyes before!"  
  
" I know but I don't have an explanation for it."  
  
"What are you doing here, boy?"  
  
" Well, of course I realized Father lied to me all these years about the true meaning of life and I came to take over the company, with the help of Mother! "  
  
" Hi, Makoto-sama "  
  
Shishio and Yumi's jaws drop as Kamatari appears in the doorframe.  
  
***  
  
(Red Beef Dinner, by noon the same day.)  
  
"Hi Sano! Hey, what's wrong?"  
  
"Tae! I don't know, there's something bugging me...."  
  
"Have a drink and tell me."  
  
" Aren't you working?"  
  
"Oh, nobody ever works seriously in this town, you should know it better than anyone. And since my evil twin Sae has disappeared in the Bermuda Triangle after taking my place for a while, nothing happens to me anymore. All I have to do is listening to people and giving them good advices that they won't listen. Though lately I think they are going to hook me up with Chou, he spends all his time here all in a sudden. So tell me while I'm available!"  
  
"Oh, well, there's this hot chick....She wanted to do it in Kenshin's office, so we went.... I don't know, then we had a drink there and I can't remember anything after that....She was familiar, I saw her somewhere before...."  
  
" You're in charge of Himura Soap&Laundry Inc security and you take a woman that you don't know in the office were he keeps the secret whiter than white cleaning soap formula?"  
  
"I told you she was familiar, it's not like I didn't know her at all!" He looks suddenly suspicious. "How do you know the formula is there?"  
  
"Sano, everybody knows...like you could keep a secret."  
  
" Oh, true....This woman, I really wonder what she wanted.... I really miss the time when I was a rock-star...being a detective is so difficult, I get less girls and the clothes suck! And it rains today, on top of it."  
  
***  
  
(Himura's mansion, just before midnight.)  
  
Kenshin and Kaoru have a romantic dinner on the terrace, under the stars.  
  
"Tomorrow we'll be at last husband and wife...." smiles Kenshin, toasting with champagne.  
  
" After all we went through....The first wedding I was abducted by this psychopath Jinnei as you were waiting in front of the altar. He wanted to get revenge on you from the time you were a secret agent....Then the second, abducted again by this strange Wu guy...."  
  
" And we discovered that you were in reality the princess of this little unknown kingdom of Kasshin, and you were kidnapped when you were a baby....And you gave it up to stay with me..."  
  
"Oh, Kenshin, you're all my life! I couldn't make another choice!"  
  
"I couldn't live without you either, Kaoru-darling. You're more beautiful than the stars in the sky...."  
  
Kiss.  
  
" And the third time I was mad at you because you didn't tell me you had been married before we met, and you were suspected of killing your wife...."  
  
"It was an accident. She was playing with my blade and it fired!"  
  
"Oh, I never believed you did! And I knew Detective Chou would prove your innocence. He's soooo smart! Then..."  
  
"Kaoru-darling, my love, if you go on, this scene is going to last the whole show....and we have to get married before the end."  
  
" Oh, so the last time...When I was abducted again by Enishi, your wife's long lost brother, and he kept me on his island in the south sea....And you married Megumi one week after!!!"  
  
"I never loved her the way I love you, you know it. I was on the rebound, so lost without you.... But YOU fell in love with Enishi !"  
  
"Because I had amnesia after a coconut fell on my head! Oh, Kenshin...We are destiny, otherwise the plane you boarded for your honeymoon wouldn't have crashed on Enishi's island....And we wouldn't be together today...."  
  
"Why are you talking about our past now? All these ordeals are behind us....Let's think about the future. Of our life together, our love...."  
  
"Kenshin, I wanted you to remember how strong our love is, and all we went through, because I have a secret to tell you....And I'm so afraid you won't love me anymore afterwards...."  
  
She bursts into tears while Kenshin looks at her, stunned.  
  
***  
  
(Kunitori Enterprises, early evening)  
  
"Kamatari! Soujiro is not even your son: you're a man! I ordered you to leave town years ago when I found out!" begins Shishio standing up. Yumi falls from his lap.  
  
"Not my son???? I stole it myself from your ex-secretary you had an affair with; it's all the same! I just wanted to give you the heir you wanted, so you'd spend more time with me! But Kunitori, Kunitori....it's all you were thinking about !"  
  
Yumi stands up and shoves Shishio aside.  
  
" What are you doing here, you bitch?" she asks, furious.  
  
"Saying hello to my ex HUSBAND. Mm, I don't see a ring here on your finger."  
  
"He loves me more than you, frigid sick transvestite!"  
  
"Huh, Makoto, lying again about our past intimacy? How nasty! Well, I forgive you, the little gold digger is so insecure...."  
  
" At least I don't look 10 years older than him..."  
  
"Hey! It's not my fault if HE is ten years younger than the previous one. They couldn't hire another actress for my comeback, the fans would have been upset! I'm popular, not like you, slut!"  
  
Shishio and Soujiro watch as Kamatari and Yumi go into a big catfight.  
  
***  
  
(Himura's mansion, sunset.)  
  
"What secret, tell me...."  
  
"I can't...."  
  
"Kaoru-darling, if the writers had no other ideas to create suspens you could hold on for MONTHS but this time you can spill the beans, as our wedding is planned for the end of this episode."  
  
"Oh, Kenshin....I lied to you..I can't COOK !"  
  
"Oro?"  
  
***  
  
(Takani private clinic, Takani Megumi's office.)  
  
Megumi hangs on Aoshi's neck.  
  
"Oh, Aoshi, isn't it wonderful that we are at last reunited?"  
  
".... "  
  
"I know I made a terrible mistake marrying your grandfather Okina, your half-brother Kenshin although you hated him, and your cousin Katsu....twice...I have changed....And it was all your fault, because you took pity on Misao and chose her over me each time my evil schemes to tear you two apart didn't work....I was only trying to get close to you by sleeping with them.....Tell me you understand!"  
  
".. "  
  
"Oh, and I know I was wrong, lying to you about Ayame and Suzume's paternity....I just wasn't sure....I thought it would be so better for them to have a father like you instead of that stupid Sano...."  
  
"You said it was Okina. He even gave you the clinic so you can assure their education. You slept with Sagara Sanosuke too?"  
  
Fox ears popping. " Hohoho....Oh, it was a friendly encounter, nothing more...I was desperate because of your engagement with the weasel....It was a mistake, and I have changed.... Oh, I'm not feeling well....you're too mean with me.."  
  
She pretends to faint. An expressionless Aoshi helps her to a chair when Misao storms in.  
  
"Here you are! You, tramp!"  
  
***  
  
(Himura's mansion, dawn.)  
  
"You can't? But, all these delicious breakfasts...."  
  
"I asked Tae to prepare them every morning and sneak them in, as she has nothing else to do with her life. You ate my cooking once, though. Remember when you had this pasta plate and you thought Shishio had put poison in it?"  
  
Kenshin gulps, and Kaoru burst into tears again.  
  
"I was right, you don't love me anymore...."  
  
"Oh, of course I still do! You are brighter than the first rays of sunshine. And it's not a big deal...."  
  
She throws herself in his arms.  
  
"You're so understanding.... I love you Kenshin!"  
  
" .. As I'm one of the richest men in the world, we can afford restaurant three times a day until death do us part!"  
  
"I love you Kenshin!"  
  
" I love you too, Kaoru-darling!"  
  
As they kiss, the camera travels to the shadow of a woman observing them.  
  
***  
  
(Takani hospital, undetermined time but Misao wears a winter coat.)  
  
"Go away, Misao."  
  
" Aoshi, listen to me! I know you don't love her."  
  
" ... "  
  
Megumi hangs on Aoshi's neck again.  
  
"Yes, disappear, weasel. He's mine! I'm a brilliant doctor even if I barely show up here except to have sex in my office, and a mother of adorable twin girls even if I never actually take care of them and lie about their father. Why wouldn't he love me?"  
  
"I let you manipulate me for too long! But this time I have a reason to fight! Aoshi, I'm not your half-sister! It's one of her schemes again, and I can prove it! It's not my mother who slept with your father, it's my FATHER! And she knew it! I can prove that too, the maid she paid to lie confessed it on her deathbed!"  
  
"Oops!" says Megumi.  
  
" ..." Aoshi gets out of Megumi's arms and walks to Misao.  
  
"How can you lack of trust in me like this, Aoshi? You know me! Oops..."  
  
Misao jumps on Aoshi.  
  
"Misao...."  
  
"Oh, Aoshiiii!"  
  
Big kiss.  
  
"Hey, I'm still here!" snaps Megumi.  
  
"You've lost this time, Megumi. I said I had a reason to fight: I'm carrying his child!"  
  
Aoshi is overwhelmed: he actually lifts his brows.  
  
"Misao?.."  
  
"Yes I'm sure, Aoshi!"  
  
Kiss again.  
  
" Go out! Go out of my sight!" yells Megumi, pointing the door with her finger for two minutes.  
  
Misao leaves with Aoshi, talking about finding a good babysitter and a boarding school, and Megumi throws away a vase, crushing it on the floor. "I'll have my revenge!"  
  
***  
  
(Church, next day, undetermined time but Sano wears a Hawaiian shirt.)  
  
Everybody is gathered, even the Shishio family. They have no reason to be here, as Makoto is the worst enemy of Kenshin, and nobody knows Soujiro, but who cares? The camera closes up on Soujiro watching Misao, eyes widened.  
  
Yahiko sits next to Tsubame.  
  
" You can't sit here," she whispers.  
  
"Why?"  
  
" You're mad at me because I refused to sleep with you before we get married, despite we have been together for 5 years, since we've been back from boarding school."  
  
"Oops, we haven't been on the show for so long I forgot. Why don't they marry US?"  
  
"Nobody cares. It's all about Kenshin and Kaoru or Aoshi and Misao.." she sighs.  
  
Megumi arrives, and waves at the groom and his best men, all Kenshin's half brothers, Aoshi, Katsu, and Souzou.  
  
She sits next to Tae and Sano.  
  
" Isn't that weird to go to a wedding when you've been married at least once to the groom and all his best men?" asks Tae.  
  
"All? No, I..Oops! I always forget I married Souzou, he's poor, after all. But, hey, I had multiple personalities disorder then, and that terrifying NICE one, Sayo, really took the decision. So it doesn't count, does it?  
  
Okina winks at Megumi.  
  
She smiles back. "I'll never forget I married HIM. After all, he gave me the two most precious things in my life."  
  
"Oh, of course! Your two precious little girls!"  
  
"My clinic and a big bank account."  
  
Tae sighs.  
  
" Oi, Tae...This chick with Shishio....She's the woman I talked to you about....It's really fishy.."  
  
Tae smacks him, but is interrupted by the arrival of the bride.  
  
Everybody gasps at how beautiful she is, Tsubame and Tae start to cry with emotion, and there is the commercial break.  
  
***  
  
(Church, few minutes later, end of the ceremony.)  
  
"Now Kenshin and Kaoru are going to exchange their vows. Is there in the assistance someone who can oppose this union? "  
  
"Yes, I can." says a calm feminine voice from behind the audience.  
  
*** (Back to reality) ***  
  
"I'm home!" says the familiar voice at the same time.  
  
**Remote, remote, SHIT! Phew, news channel just before he can see the screen.**  
  
" No "welcome back"?" he complains, raising a brow.  
  
"Hajime, I didn't expect you so early..What happened?"  
  
"You look guilty..Is there a man in the closet?" he asks, deadpan. "By the way, if you have a cold you should stop smoking. Moron."  
  
"I don't have a cold."  
  
"So why do you have two boxes of tissues on the couch with you? One being half-empty...."  
  
"Maybe you should stop playing the detective at home and answer my question."  
  
He sits down next to her on the couch. "Well, I wanted to spend some time with my wife and children...." he smirks.  
  
"Take me for an idiot, go on," she answers icily.  
  
"They ordered me to take some vacations this week, from today on. No way out. They said they'll arrest ME if I show up at work."  
  
"That makes more sense."  
  
He grabs the remote, and zaps, falling on the ending theme of The Blade and the Beautiful. "Stupid soap operas. Really for morons.."  
  
Tokio stands up. **There it is, I'm pissed. He's never here BUT he has to come back the day of THE wedding....Shit, who IS that woman....and no way to watch the WHOLE week.. I'm going to miss all the cute romantic scenes between Aoshi and Misao together again, and I've been waiting that for months now! I can't even tape the episodes, it's too risky..if Hajime finds out he's able to divorce me for watching this....**  
  
She goes out calmly but slams the bedroom door.  
  
"It's a pleasure to realize that you like to have me at home," he says aloud, sarcastic.  
  
**Why is she so moody? She's only like this when....**He grabs a cigarette.**Shit. Probably pregnant again.**  
  
THE END.  
  
Author's notes:  
  
The fic is a mix of a clichés you can find in soap operas, it's not related to one series in particular, except for the title, which refers to "the Bold and the Beautiful" (and I don't own it either). I invented nothing, just exaggerated a bit, except for the coconut accident.maybe! The timeline makes no sense, the dialogues make no sense, the scenes are not connected between them? Same thing!  
  
Thanks to Firuze (for the kind words, the encouragements and the typo check, (^-^)), and to Mara (for everything, I'll post the next chapter of Preys tomorrow)!  
  
Thanks for bearing with my crazy ideas! See you!  
  
Kamorgana. 


End file.
